I started this blog the way I start most things, that is, with the greatest of intentions and sadly it’s gone the way a lot of things I do go..nowhere. I’m sure I am not the only person guilty of that, and it’s a shame really.
I’ve cleared all my posts, except for one that I don’t completely dislike (it’s so easy to be critical of things you’ve previously wrote!). Here I am starting again. I can feel myself questioning everything I am writing, how I am writing but I’m trying to roll with just letting it be how it is. If I try mould myself into writing how I think I should I don’t think it will work. It’ll take me out of my own blog, and that will just never work.
Not regularly using this blog since I created it is a shame because it’s something I wanted and still want to do. It’s also a shame that a large part of the reason is the fact that I am struggling with my own mental health at the moment and that tends not to be something I want to share, and yet at times like this, leaves for there to be little else for me to write about because it is so god damn consuming.
I saw one of my tutors today.. Some how I left his room feeling generally much more positive and I have not a clue why, but I’m not knocking it. Not knocking it except for the fact that the dangerous side of my positive moments when I am in the state I am is that I make decisions, get so immersed in that positive feeling that there is no way in my head that I will ever feel bad ever again, this is it. I am happy and I am always going to be happy and maybe I am cured!
My biggest issue at the moment is that of interrupting my university degree in order to be hospitalised. I mean deciding to go into hospital is a pretty big decision in itself, but add my degree, my tenancy agreement and a few other things..it soon begins to feel much easier to stay where I am.
I left university thinking yes, I AM BETTER, no hospital for me. Which at the time I was so happy about and grateful to my tutor for whatever he had said that had triggered this sudden happiness and positivity. It’s been a while. I even text my psychiatrist “Please can you not send my referral off (for inpatient) until I have seen you on Friday if you haven’t already”. Luckily I said “until” leaving the option of sending it off still there. I wasn’t completely off on one.
But then I had a nurse appointment, that led to me seeing the on-call GP which led to a conversation about needing this inpatient admission, needing this help and it brought me back to reality. The positivity B had somehow pumped into me about university, my work and starting a blog (hence why I am writing) wasn’t false. That it was the (and I hate to say this), that was the “real” me. That is the Natalie I keep finding a way to survive for. It’s what I want and of course I was going to leave the building wanting that and not wanting hospital.
But maybe I am going to have to realise I can have both, but one has to come before the other. Hospital has to come first so I can focus on my own safety, my own health. Then after that I can come back to university and be that ready to go student more of the time, heck, nearly all of the time, rather than in rare moments. It is just very hard to make decisions thinking about the long-term. It’s so easy to think about what I want right now, what I want rather than what I need.
I don’t want to leave uni, I don’t want to be letting people down. I don’t want to be seen as weak or needy. I don’t want to be in a hospital.
For now, it looks like I am back to blogging in whatever shape or form that takes. Hopefully not trying to fit that mould I already spoke about.
This is me, as I am. Maybe one day my blog won’t be my rambling of my situation. Maybe one day I will write a blog I can share with others. Heck, maybe one day I will be brave enough to share this one. I’m less ashamed than I once was, and maybe one day I won’t be at all.
Maybe one day I will be the “real” me, all of the time.
Maybe it’s worth sticking around to find out.