I decided today that I was going to use positive thinking to get myself out of my current state. No hospitalisation, no interruption of study, no more negative thinking and definitely no more negative behaviours. I whacked some make-up on, went to an appointment and tried to, y’know, think happy thoughts.
It didn’t work out so fabulously. It started about 1pm and by 5pm I was laid in bed with my make-up down my face. Not exactly how I intended for it to go.
It got me thinking, is positive thinking the solution? I’m siding on no. Mental health problems don’t develop in people because they think negatively, heck up to when my problems began I was the happiest, go lucky, positive thinking person around. Sometimes even now I am super positive, and if anything sometimes that is a problem because it stops me from being realistic about how I am and what I need. It turns into “I’m fine”, “I’ll survive” and “it could be worse” when really I need to recognise things are pretty bad.
That’s not to say there is no use in positive thinking, but it’s never going to be the solution and I am struggling to get my head around that right now. At 1pm this afternoon I thought I had found the fix.
My problem is less with how I think, more with how I feel and how I react to those feelings. Perhaps the solution lies more in being ok with not being ok. Being ok with being a little bit negative, being ok with having a rubbish day. Perhaps it lies in action and behaviour rather than any form of thinking.
The only problem about that is, when you are very low, doing the things you need to do (the action) is rather difficult to say the least. I suppose that is why it’s a gradual process and perhaps I’ve just got to figure out the first step for now. Thinking I could positively think myself into the “recovered” person I want to be in a matter of minutes and with a quick slap of make-up was probably unrealistic (ok, not probably).
In conclusion I am not too sure what the solution is, nor what I think about positive thinking. What I do know is that focusing on the first step is definitely a start and I’ve got my old college tutor in my head with her “baby steps” that she always used to remind me of. When I was back at college all them years ago now, starting with baby steps really helped me when things were at their worst and eventually I started taking bigger and bigger steps.
On a side note, I still feel a little uneasy about having ‘crazy’ in my blog name. I don’t want to offend. But then, that’s just my sense of humour and it’s not meant in the wrong way. Seeing that word every time I come on here reminds of why I want to find the first steps; I want to get my crazy back! That is, I want to be the hyper, happy, silly, whacky person I once was and occasionally can be.