Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I didn’t have mental health problems, not that it’s something that probably does me any favours.
I wonder what it would be like to eat, and not have spent most of the day planning it, and the rest of the day worrying about it. I wonder what Christmas would be like if it didn’t send sheer panic through me about the fact that a large part of it revolves around food, food and more food. I wonder what university would be like if I didn’t have all of this other stuff going on.
I’ve had a productive day for me, that is I got up early, I sorted out an appointment with student welfare, I attended a 2hr workshop and I’ve met with my group about a presentation we are doing next week. I’m in the library now burning time to the welfare drop-in after my appointment not actually happening this morning and I am exhausted.
I get Fridays off which should be such a relief (long weekend!) but instead I’m getting up early to get a train back home to see my doctor and I’ll spend the whole day at the hospital which is exhausting in itself without all of the travelling. I’ve missed the last three weeks at least because of just being too tired, too low and too anxious to get there. Dealing with mental health problems really is like a full-time job in itself!
It would be super nice not to have the constant chit chat in my head worrying over food and what people are thinking, worrying about my energy levels or my mood. I’d be far more productive and I’m pretty sure I’d do better at university. It’s hard juggling my health with university and that would definitely be one of the positives of going into hospital. A year out to focus on my health.
It’s also annoying when I get told “you’re doing so well considering all you have to deal with”. I don’t want to hear that. I don’t want people taking into account my mental health problems. I just want to be doing well!
It’s not all doom and gloom though. I’m not sure what I think to the concept of ever being ‘recovered’ but I can definitely see at some point I may reach a point where my problems aren’t so dominant, where I might get through a day with them having little impact, and as far as short straws go it’s not so bad. People live with all sorts of health problems that they manage..diabetes..asthma..millions of things. Some times it gets a bit worse, some times people barely notice they’ve got the problem.
I can’t wait to be at a point where it doesn’t have the impact it’s currently having, though after all of these years it’s hard to believe it’s going to happen – I guess not believing it will would be one set way to make sure it doesn’t. It’s like I said yesterday about baby steps. You’ve got to make the first small step, and keep taking them. You’re not going to wake up tomorrow where you want to be and even when you’re taking those sometimes painfully small steps it won’t feel like you’re getting anywhere at all, but hopefully one day you’ll realise you’re further along than you ever thought you’d be and that’s got to be worth it.