I don’t have a particular idea for a blog today, so this is a bit of an improvisation! I think it’s because Friday’s are my appointment days (I travel back home from university for the day to see my doctor).
I got the train home and had my appointment which is an individual one, I haven’t been for three weeks because I’ve been quite ‘non-compliant’ (?) lately in terms of going which is odd for me as I don’t think I’ve ever really skipped or cancelled appointments. I’ve had a whole host of excuses mostly surrounding university deadlines but the reality is they have been that, excuses. The real reasons have been related to my anxiety, being in a bit of a self-destructive mindset and to be totally honest, feeling a bit fed up. I think I had given up. I don’t know how I got myself there today because I really wanted to skip it again, but I went and somehow it’s got me out the ‘given up’ mode and I am feeling a lot more pro-active about getting back on track.
I am also supposed to be a part of the day programme they run. I went in the Summer three days a week, and it runs in 12 week blocks. I now go once a week because that’s all I can manage with my university timetable but out of this 12 week block that finishes next week, I’ve only been a couple of times. My doctor wants me to go next week, and to restart the next block when it restarts after Christmas. I wasn’t really expecting 12 weeks ago, that I would be doing it again, and this time I want to be more committed and I will stay for the day next week.
I left my appointment and got the train home. My friend met me and we headed into town (she bought me a top that I wouldn’t normally pick out for myself and it made my day, it really did). And then I headed home because I had a headache that was absolutely killing me.
I feel oddly calm. I feel like I have a plan, not a complete one, but a plan nevertheless and it makes me feel in control, and I like it. I’ve felt like a lost sheep lately, stumbling from crisis to crisis. I’ve been in such a mess making a decision about whether to interrupt and accept a bed in hospital. It’s been a financial headache and that’s made the decision that much harder. I sent my doctor a message on Monday asking her to delay putting the referral in, and when I got to her today she said “you said you wanted to delay it and talk about it first” to which I responded “I don’t want to talk about it, I just don’t want to do it”. I think I am making the right decision. I do admit I should probably talk about it some more. I interrupted university in the summer, then in the second week of term changed my mind and came back to university without discussing it with anyone, my doctor included, and I ended up regretting that decision. I don’t want to regret this one too.
However, I want to give myself one more chance. A good chance, a few months. I feel a bit of a weight off my shoulders after a few conversations with different tutors at university this week as I had it in my head I was doing awful and that they all thought I was a ‘bad’ student..I don’t think that now and it is a relief. I feel much more excited about my course than I have done, especially since we have been doing blogging. It’s Christmas soon, one more week left at university and then I have a weeks work experience. I like this holiday, it feels like I have a few weeks to clear my head a bit, get myself back on track and then come back fresh in January. Like I can start over again. I think it’s important to sometimes have that way of ‘starting over’ to draw a line.
I am aware that I am picking and choosing what I want to ‘deal’ with and make changes with, and that will be something I should face next week at my next appointment. For now I am going to make changes where I can, start the small steps and get through this last week of term.
This post doesn’t really have a ‘point’. I am just feeling a little clearer and I can finally see a way out of this current bad state I have been in. I feel more in control and I think when you have mental health problems, that is really important. I don’t know how I have done it so I have no ‘magic’ solution but I can give you this. There is always some light, things can change, things can be different and sometimes it just takes time. Sometimes it happens without us really knowing how. What you have got to just try and hold onto is the fact that no matter how bad things get, there is always hope and there is no magical cure. Nothing is going to be solved overnight, but things begin to change and one day those changes will lead you where you want to be.
Oh also, sometimes doing the thing you don’t want to do is what will help. Like I said, I didn’t want to go to my appointment today. I honestly felt like I could quite easily never go again. Going has helped.
(I know the picture for today is a bit cheesy, but we all secretly love a bit of cheese!)