The Worst Part of Recovery

Ok, there are a lot of ‘worst parts’. The worst parts are the parts you are dealing with right now.

Since coming home, behaviour wise I have been so much better but today is my first day home alone and I am struggling. I’ve always seen myself as a ‘on my own’ kind of person, and I remember even as a child saying I wanted to live on an island by myself. When I know I will have the house to myself, at home or at university, I look forward to it.

Yet I’m absolutely awful at being alone and when I am alone, I struggle.

I’m exhausted. I am constantly tired, tired and hungry, and I’m not too sure why. I’m also anxious. I’ve got an assignment I need to do but it’s going nowhere fast. In fact, it’s going nowhere at all. I’m feeling lazy, which I can’t stand, and yet I don’t want to do anything.

More than anything I am anxious about going back to university. I thought I felt ‘safer’ there but the reality is I don’t. I actually feel quite alone there, even when surrounded by people.

The part I am struggling with right now is not engaging in negative behaviours, but still feeling the same, still feeling awful. It makes it hard to keep on making the ‘right’ choices. I can’t help but wonder how long I can keep on going, and fear things going backwards when I get back to university. And it’s not being able to hang on for long enough, that sends me right back to the start.

I guess I am still learning, but that doesn’t mean I know nothing.

I’m learning that I need to talk, and to try my hardest to use my appointments to get out what I need. I am learning to try get my head out of my illness and spend time in the ‘real’ world and I am trying to learn to be ok with where I am at, even if it’s not where I want to be.

Today I am tired, anxious and a little low, so I will have a bath and snuggle up. I will meet my Mum from work to get outside for a bit and I will try get on with some university work tonight, and if I can’t do it, I’ll try again tomorrow.


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