I’m hitting a point where I am sick of myself. There’s a gap between where I want to be, and where I am and no amount of planning or longing for things to be any different is helping, and I seem to repeatedly fall into doing the exact opposite of what I really want, despite really wanting it.
I’m beginning to wonder if it is because some times I cannot tell the difference between that which I THINK I want, and that which I truly want. Sometimes certain negative behaviours feel like the solution in the moment, sometimes they feel like the only way and all that it does is leave me standing just where I was. I think it takes time, change has a process and sometimes we spend a while sitting with an idea, with the next steps we want to take, but are not yet ready to take them.
The thing is, I am so certain I am ready. I am so sick of not taking them, so why don’t I? I think that is the bigger question, to which I can think of a lot of answers to. Fear, feeling undeserving, being stuck in a rut..the list can go on. It’s not so easy working out which one is the main reason for me. I am sick of how I am living though. I am sick of being stuck, and maybe at some point I’ve just got to do it. Talk less, think less and act more.