Feel the fear and do it any way.

I was anti going home at all between now and summer as I find it quite difficult but I’ve spent this weekend at home.  Not only has it been mothers day, but it’s also my Mum’s birthday on Tuesday so I wanted to do it for her. My sister had weekend leave, so she was home too.  It’s been mostly good. Manageable at least, though I’m feeling a little worried about being home all summer,  I’ll stay at university until my tenancy runs out (end of June), do my NHS comms work experience and formulate a plan for summer.

Today I did something I would not have imagined doing. We went for a walk, and then to a little tearoom where I had a scone. Yes, that is the big deal. I had a scone. No, not the worlds biggest achievement for most. But definitely for me, it is.

Of course I expected the world to fall apart. It didn’t. I expected that, or y’know, to be given an award and feel spectacular. GO ME I ATE A SCONE. The award didn’t happen neither. It wasn’t that big of a deal. I thought it would feel so, it didn’t. Nothing happened, good or bad. Except this.

The snowball effect is my name for it.

I’ve got lots of rules right now:

  1. Eat more
  2. Exercise less
  3. Take my iron tablets
  4. Take my psychiatric medication and consider adding a new one in
  5. Take my medication for my osteoporosis
  6. No self-harm

I’m doing pretty well with some of them. Though I struggle taking my medications. I’ve just been put back on iron tablets because my last lot of blood tests were shockingly bad. I take my night time medications but the day time ones are hard. I get drowsy, and being in university drowsy is no fun. I’m not sure about the new one. I’ll probably give it a go.

The ones I’ve struggled with the most and lacked the motivation to do anything about is regarding the iron, and reducing my exercise to the gym three times per week. But I was stood in a shop after eating the scone and I thought eating the scone wasn’t that bad. The bit before it was terrifying, but once I was eating it I was ok. And it felt normal. I like that. I like being able to do normal things. I thought maybe I can do this more often. Maybe other things won’t be as scary as I think. Maybe this week, because I’ve been away all weekend so missed some gym sessions, maybe I don’t need to make up for that, maybe I will see how I feel. I am trying to gain weight, not lose. I don’t need to be so strict. I need to enjoy it.

It really is about taking the first step, because all of the other things then seem to come from that. Just do one thing. Baby steps. They’ll get you where you want to be. It doesn’t need to be world record breaking stuff. It doesn’t need to be anything major. Just do one small thing, and then another.

It won’t be as bad as you expect. (And if it is, I promise the more you do it, the easier it will get and you won’t regret it).

Nobody has ever said “I regret recovering”.


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