I haven’t posted my Christmas photographs yet (don’t fret, I will!). It has been the most chaotic 48hrs of my life. My psychiatrist literally told me she is angry with me. That I am frustrating..in fact, soul destroying was the term she used, and I didn’t enjoy hearing that. The guilt has been killing me. It all started because I spoke about something to my support worker, and she told the head of student services, and he contacted my psychiatrist and then my GP got involved and I cried my eyes out in the doctors surgery, and everyone was bringing up the idea of a hospital admission.
I can see why people were worried, are worried. I’m not stupid. I don’t want to say anything that may trigger others, so without saying too much, my self-destructive behaviours manifested in a new way that was potentially much more dangerous. I get it, but I honestly had no intention of telling anyone. I only told my support worker at the end, when she questioned me on something. And I don’t know.. I trusted her, she made me feel like I could tell her. She says she has had no part in anyone contacting my psychiatrist, and she thinks I should be able to talk to her without fear of repercussions.
I think a lot of it has been me fighting with everyone. Fighting against everything that they say. I should be seeing this as a battle I am fighting with my support, rather than a battle against it. I don’t know why I do it, because I hate it. It leaves me with nothing but guilt, shame and this feeling of unbearable aloneness.
I think the solution must lay in being able to remember that my support is on my side, and I should trust them more than my own head. But it’s hard to get myself into that frame of mind. And half of me still wants to destruct. Maybe I need to discuss a plan with my psychiatrist to contact her in these situations, rather than telling my support worker first, but that just isn’t always possible, and honestly, there’s some times things I don’t want my psychiatrist finding out. Surely that is my choice?!