End of my undergraduate degree (and a little update!)

I handed in my dissertation last week, and my final assignment this week, and I don’t know if it hasn’t hit me yet or if I’m just not a very emotional person, but it hasn’t bothered me that much! Everyone keeps asking how it feels and I don’t really have a response!

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I also had a final presentation and the transformation with my confidence has been incredible over these three years. I know I talk about it a lot…but in first year I didn’t do my presentations and so I got ungraded for one, and capped at 40% for the other because my lecturer agreed I could hand a paper copy of what I would have said. Second year I did them, I’m not sure how well. This year I have been so much better. I mean my hands shake and I feel terrified but even turning up is a big deal with me! And a friend commented on how I seem like the calmest/most confident person in our group hahahaha if only she could see me inside!!! But it feels so good to see this progress. It means more to me than any qualification or grade, as insane as that sounds.

Today was a big one! I never go out with my friends, but it was one of theirs last day here before they move back home and I went. Not only did I go but I ate waffles!!

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To think that when I was 15 years old I had a crisis meeting with mental health services because I hadn’t eaten all week and then I ate a grape and had a total meltdown, I feel this is a pretty big deal. It is probably the most challenging thing I have done in recovery (oh and a pizza a few months back). ย And it was so lovely to see my friends, and I am going to miss them so much.

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I also met my best friend at home yesterday after seeing my psychiatrist. I met her at the anorexia nervosa day programme I used to go to and we’ve only actually been really close for 9 months-ish but she is literally such an amazing person. It sounds cheesy but she brightens up my life so much, she really brings out the best in me. She makes me feel ambitious and determined, happy and just able to be myself. She is probably the most amazing person I have met in my life. I haven’t had someone I can call a best friend in so long, I thought I’d never get that close to someone again, but this girl is like a second sister to me. She is a ray of sunshine even when things are tough. She makes my mood go from pretty damn low to absolutely amazing just by being herself. I am so lucky to have this girl.

I have been struggling a lot this last few weeks. I had an incident 3 weeks ago, which I am absolutely determined will be my last, but it has led to such an insane number of hospital appointments and I might need surgery and I am sick to death of hospitals/clinics right now. I have been to the therapy preparation group twice now and it’s, overall, good. I lost it on Tuesday-Thursday and was adamant it is stupid and I am not interested in going, but I have come through that now ha! There has been an issue within my family that has basically changed my whole life. I don’t want to go into it, but I’ve lost a member of my immediate family. I think I am fine with it, that I am coping, but then there are moments where it hits me and those are pretty tough – especially with things like finishing university and graduating, knowing that person isn’t going to be there. My psychiatrist told me I can get upset, that it is ok. That I won’t disintegrate, and I keep reminding myself of that.

I have been referred by occupational therapy for camouflage make-up and I’ve seen some examples of how amazing it is (this guy with full body tattoos had them all covered and you couldn’t see them at all!) and it is going to be so so life changing for me. I’ve also booked a holiday to Marrakesh at the start of September with my best friend! And I’m going camping in the peak district in a couple of weeks with my sister which is going to be so lovely. I love a walking holiday. I haven’t been on holiday since I was 18 for various family/health related reasons so this is all very exciting.

I guess I am learning that I can be both happy and sad and that is ok.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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5 thoughts on “End of my undergraduate degree (and a little update!)

  1. Hiya congrats on completing your degree! You are doing so well, and I love the look of those waffles, bet they were yummy ๐Ÿ™‚ x

  2. Hi Natalie, Congratulations on finishing your dissertation. I hope you have a great summer ๐ŸŽ† & that fantastic exciting challenges await๐Ÿ˜Š
    I just wondered if you would mind telling me more about the Camouflage makeup & how I might be able to access it ? I last self harmed 18 months ago ( a 1 off) before that it was over 8 yrs ago,but my scars are pretty horrific & have prevented me from going abroad anywhere hot & now I’m desperate to take my little girl on holiday & my dream is to take her swimming,but I daren’t because of the damage I’ve done , mostly my legs look the worst๐Ÿ˜ž so I would really appreciate your advice & point me in the right direction.
    Wishing you health, happiness & light xx

    • Hey:) thank you so much. The camouflage make-up is amazing, look at these two links, they’ll show you how good it is!


      I’ve been referred by occupational therapy at the hospital, but the organisation that does it is called ‘Changing Faces’. I think if you Google them, in certain areas you can refer yourself and in others you need to get someone to, i.e. your GP. They’re so amazing so I really think it would be a good thing for you to do if you think it would benefit you.

      I think covering scars is a slightly tricky area, in that we shouldn’t have to be ashamed. But at the end of the day some of us find it harder than others and if it is going to help you feel better about yourself, and allow you to wear the clothes you want to wear, and to not sweat to death in the summer, it is totally worth doing. Getting camouflage make-up truly can be life changing, in my opinion.

      I hope you look into it, it could be wonderful for you. If you ever struggle with thoughts of self-harming or anything ever again, please message me. You are worth the world โค

      • Oh also, they use different brands, but most of the brands bar one are all available on NHS prescription so if you are exempt from paying, it will be free. And if you do pay, it will at least be a hell of a lot cheaper than doing it without the NHS.

        The stuff lasts quite a long time, even each application can last a few days. You can use it as little or often as you want. It matches your skin tone, it is waterproof and it really is good stuff xxx

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