Things got really bad again, and I thought hospital was on the horizon, but I have managed to turn things around. I want to work out how I turned things around. Y’know, so I can turn things around in the future quicker. So I can bottle up the magic and share it around. But I literally have no idea what happened to change things.
Since Friday I have just started feeling alive again. I have been much more sociable than normal.. I even have a date on Saturday, and I haven’t dated in 3-4 years! We’re going to Yo! Sushi if I manage not to cancel! (Arranging a date is the relatively easy bit.) I have found a house to live in for the next year, as I have to leave my flat at the end of this month, and I’m going to be living in a nicer area, and on the same street as a friend. I am pretty excited. I’ve spent time with my best friend from home, I’ve been getting jobs done, and I just feel free. I can’t explain it.
Oooooh and I saw the lecturer who is going to be my primary supervisor for my MA and my head was in information/thought overload but I am so excited to start this. I feel so lucky to be able to do what I want to do. And she gave me my last assignment result and I got 80% when I was expecting about 60.
Any way, People always say ‘action before motivation’, and I get that. But honestly, it hasn’t been doing these things that has made me feel better. Feeling better has made me do them in the first place. Yes, doing things has improved how I feel, but that is after I started feeling better. When things deteriorated I stopped taking one of my medications (the anti-depressant) and I’ve been taking it again for about 3 weeks. Personally I am very sceptical about medication and do not believe it makes much difference (except without my anti-psychotic I would never sleep, and I mean never). But it does seem pretty coincidental that I stopped taking it and got worse, and then have been taking it again for a few weeks and feel better.
I want to say that what has made me feel better is not important, but it really is. For my own sake, but also because I want to be able to know how to better help other people. I think a part of it is actually people. I’ve let someone into my life, a friend who has become like a sister, and maybe my psychiatrist is right. Maybe people do need people. I thought I didn’t.
What I do know is that doing things, being sociable, sorting out things I have been putting off, has made a difference even if it wasn’t initially what improved my mood. So I think lesson number one is yes, the annoying ‘activation before motivation’ thing. Basically you’re going to have to force yourself to do things that you don’t want to do before you start feeling better or like doing them.
Lesson number two, self-destructive behaviours/cycles are easy to fall into, and horrific to climb out of. I managed not to engage in any self-destructive behaviours, but it has come pretty close. I realise now if I had ended up doing something dangerous, all it takes is that one act to seriously harm or kill myself… when hanging on just a little bit longer has made me feel so much better. Feelings are temporary, actions aren’t necessarily.
Lesson number three, and this works for me personally at least.. making an effort with yourself, especially at the start of the day, works wonders. I’m getting more into male-up (my best friend is a make-up artist) and I’ve been doing my make-up every morning. I’m dressing in more thought out clothes. Morning showers are definitely a good start to the day, so if you shower at night, consider changing that. I’ve also sorted my nails out.
I know these all sound like tiny things, but they really can make a difference.
I suppose there’s also a little lesson to learn with regards to medication. TAKE IT!