Dum dum dum.

I start (fingers crossed) at the therapeutic community (TC) next Monday!!!! So today was my last proper day in the once weekly prep group.

Basically I have to go at 11:15am next Monday and I’ll have my assessment which will be with 3 members of the therapeutic community and 2 members of staff which I may or may not know. I’ll basically be asked a list of questions. Then I’ll sit outside while they discuss me, and return to find out whether I have been accepted or need to continue at prep. If I don’t mess up i.e. self-harm, between now and Monday, the likelihood is I’ll be accepted because they don’t invite you for assessment unless you’re deemed ready. I’ve been in prep for about 4 months now, I had my visitors day to the TC at the end of June I think, and I am over the 4 weeks self-harm threshold. I am officially 6 weeks self-harm free on Thursday which is a record since I began self-harming 10 years ago. Big deal!

Any way, if I am accepted I will go into the TC for lunch and the remainder of the day, then Tuesday I will return to prep to say goodbye and answer any questions other people have, then Wednesday and Thursday I’ll be at the TC! Thursday afternoon my sister is coming to Leicester and Friday we are off to V festival!!!! Exciting! My birthday is the Wednesday which I shall be spending in the TC (I can hardly miss my first proper day/ask for a day off plus the days off I need the following week and in September for Morocco).

In prep today I was 100% fine. Totally chilled. Funny, silly, relaxed Natalie was present. I said I had nothing to discuss this week etc. Now? Now I am freaking out. And it seems to be coming out through my food challenge set to me by my psychiatrist from the anorexia nervosa service.

I see her once per week, but it will be reducing to fortnightly next month after my CPA in preparation for her retirement in December. I got to a healthy weight for the final time in May and have maintained it since and so last week we started food challenging with pasta. This week I have to redo the pasta plus white potatoes. Tonight is the night of the white potato which I have officially called the potato of doom. I have only cried twice about it so far which is good going right? And I mean I once had a crisis appointment in CAMHS over a grape so crying over a potato is an improvement!

I’m not sure the potato by itself is the issue. It’s more like the potato plus the pasta plus I had some weekend challenges, MASSIVE challenges. First chinese in recovery plus waffles for lunch with banana, toffee sauce and cream. And my eating struggles can trigger my self-harm and it’s just got me thinking how I’m not supposed to self-harm for the next year or so in treatment, and then I’m not supposed to self-harm once I leave. I’m not supposed to self-harm ever again and it is terrifying me and I can feel myself wanting to mess next week up but if I do, if I do self-harm, I’ll regret it. I will literally hate myself.

Any way, it is time to get ready to face the potato. I shall win.

(Scattiest post of my life, sorry!)




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