I want to start by expressing my huge dislike of writing titles. This is entirely irrelevant but it is my most frequent thought when I start writing a blog, or anything that requires a title.
My other thought is always that I am going to stop being a student in September and I have no idea what I will change my blog name to. “The Crazy Ex-Student”? Imaginative. Or just “The Crazy Ex”. That makes my blog sound very intriguing, but it would be very disappointing for people who realise I am not in fact blogging about being a stalker-ish ex-girlfriend. I guess I could pretend.
I have a list of things I need to do which I am avoiding. My GP gave me a referral to X-Ray so I am supposed to have been for that, but I am avoiding it for reasons I do not totally understand. She also gave me sleeping tablets thank the Lord.
I have been thinking about leaving university early. Probably because I feel like there are a lot of things going on right now and it is like each “thing” is a brick whacked on top of my shoulders, and getting rid of some of these bricks would be nice. But it probably would not solve anything. I mean my masters is not crucial to my life. I did not decide to do it because I needed to do it. I decided to do it because I wanted to, and because it went well with doing the day treatment. I wanted to be more than a patient and it allowed me to be. But then I got kicked out of treatment so that is no longer a relevant factor. But I do love university and my research, I am just finding progress is very slow and I feel like my work is substandard right now (but I also know my idea of substandard is normal people’s standard and I could achieve a decent enough grade and quitting will make me feel rubbish).
I would guess that university is not my problem and I am just making out it is one to myself, to feel like there is a solution to how things are. “Functioning” feels challenging right now and I suppose leaving university would make me worse.
I have started running, which is to be honest, amazing. I did long distance running as a kid and then stopped because of an injury, and then developed my eating disorder so it just stopped being something I did. I have wanted to start again for a long time, and have made a few attempts but I do not think my heart was in it (or rather I was super unfit and did not want to push through it) and my anxiety about being outdoors in front of people made it near impossible. But I started again, and it is going well. I have done 5k each time which is not far at all, but I honestly thought I would manage a kilometre the first time I went out, and then probably lay down and die. And I survived so 10/10 for Natalie. The third run was supposed to be a walk with maybe a 2k run as an “extra” because I was stressed and hiding indoors. It turned into a 5k by accident.
Hey who knows, by September I might be calling myself ‘The Crazy Runner’. I cannot quite imagine calling myself a runner right now, but I would like to hope by September I do. If I manage to actually stick with running I will be pretty surprised and very happy.